Joel 2:25 (New International Version)

Truth... is a funny thing.

It is at the heart of every matter.

I remember hearing a sermon once, when a pastor talked about lies and truth. He said that the Devil... would tell you a thousand truths to get you to believe ONE lie.

In a ten year marriage... there are multiples of lies and truths. That gray area lie (one to keep feelings in tact) of " No those pants don't make you look fat(ter)"

or " No honey I understand"  even when you don't.

But there are bigger lies... in marriages gone wrong. 

This last week I have had to face some very hard ... and I do mean HARD truths about my former marriage. Things that have both hurt my heart and broken me in ways I wasn't sure I could be broken in.

There were things that I had suspected. Things I asked if they were true to confront what I suspected... and I was out and out LIED to. Either to save my feelings.. save a marriage... or to try and save someone from some serious reprecussions.

I have no intention of posting the "truth" of what happened here. Only to blog and vent and get it out of my head.  It is not my place to judge the actions of my ex husband--his family.. or anything that has been done.

It saddens me that my EX did not feel he could be honest with me.. to confess his sin to me. It may not have saved a marriage, but I would have helped him get the help he needed.

When D came to the house the other night... I had discovered the truth an hour prior. I dried my tears and helped him get his stuff out of my house. I didn't confront him with what I knew.. but I looked at him and noticed that he has aged 10 years in the last year. I know that everything he has sown.. he is reaping.

Truth comes at a price.

It can open your eyes--shine light on all the darkness surrounding an issue that is there hiding.

It is painful.

But it also sets you free.

Truth breaks the bonds of chains that hold you to another person. But it also brings compassion for a sickness.

Please pray for D.

For God to work in his heart. To heal him . To help him face truth and accept consequences. Pray that I am strong enough to show forgiveness... and mean it. Pray that I can in some way help him.

It sounds odd... foreign to me to even blog this. But, with the little bit of room that i have in speaking with him. I would pray that I can share hope with him... that and God's grace.

because when all is said and done... noone has sinned themselves out of the love of God.  John 10:27-29.

and yes... truth really does set one free.

*streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch*

I feel as though I just woke from a week of sleep. *yawn*

I think perhaps that it is because everything has caught up to me...

First of all thank all of you for praying for me... for the court situation.

Things went well for me... D has to pay the mortgage up. (yay) Working on getting a real estate agent as we have to pick a new one.

D--looks as though he has aged ten years this past year. He looks not good. I can tell that there is something weighing heavily on him, I wish that he would trust someone to talk about it. But he never will.

I spoke with A--yesterday someone we both worked with in youth group. I had asked him to come sit at the house while d removed his furniture.. and belongings that remained.  Apparently everything that I suspected.. EVERYTHING was true. It is a new heartbreak for me. I think mostly to wonder how I could have been so stupid. How things could have happened under my own roof and I never saw it. When I suspected it.. and brought it up ..I was lied to.

It took D all of four hours to remove the remainder of our life together. ( I can't tell you how freeing this was) My house is almost empty but right now it is MY house until it sells. That feels kind of good. (well me and the puppies house)

My garage is clean.. with all of his stuff gone and here is the exciting thing .I was able to park my car in the garage for the first time EVER.

***excitement***

And that is how my week has been ...

So a funny thing happened today....

I was speaking with a customer to whom I had to email an invoice to. When He got the giggles about my name ...

I am so never living down the whole toilet paper thing.

As a joke and quite a good one indeed, he emailed me back this picture...

He totally scores high for creativity... and taking the time to find this picture, as well as sending me a thank you for my help.

I have to say Mr. Josh... I am completely impressed...

On that note, I have to say I am saddened by Mr. Whipple's passing.

At work I go by Sharr which is fine. I talked to a lady from Israel today who said the hebrew for Sharr is "she sang" .

Which I used to for church. I haven't in awhile. I sat behind a lady at church two weeks ago and she turned around and asked why I wasn't on praise team that I (blush) had a beautiful voice. To be honest I haven't felt much like singing. I felt completely embarrassed (how many r's and s's do there have to be... I know i spelled that wrong) She called me her angel. Which was sweet, but I don't think about how I sing or anybody else. I kind of get lost in worship when I sing and don't pay attention.

Anyway interesting.

Thank you all for all of your kind comments. I am struggling with being nervous Wednesday is the day.. THE HUGE DAY. Can't sleep. arrrrrrrrgh!

hoping benadryl will do the trick tonite..

how was everyone's easter...

Well... here is how the day started. not today but yesterday.
I was calling the dogs to go outside...
"Samson ... come on big man... outside!"
"Mollie go Bollies... come on little girl"
"Studlee Dudlee.............................."

What the???? How do you forget that your dog is ...dead... gone...

How could I forget that March 8th is the day that Dudlee left our lives?

What the hell is wrong with me?

It broke me apart and I cried alot

The stress has gotten... pretty bad. Worrying constantly that I am fighting a winless battle. Then my attorney or his office does something that encourages me and helps me to believe that I may get through this ok. Please God let me get through this ok.

So let me introduce you to my other furries... Samson and Mollie...
We have moved to one big dog bowl. It makes it easier and they eat out of the same bowl ,if there is one ...or two... so... one is easier to manage.
Samson is ever the gentleman... allowing Mollie to eat first as he patiently waits for her to finish.
Then he will eat some ... let her eat ... then he will eat again.
They are really funny and awesome...
They make breathing so much better.

Samson and Molls just got haircuts... Samson is a golden retriever and I shaved him like a lab.
You can't really tell in this picture but his body is really really blonde. His head legs and tail are all red. He looks like he is wearing snowboots and a hat... (what a fashionable guy)

It is kind of interesting how Samson came into my life. At the time D told me I was not allowed to be near puppies.. Because if i am around one ... somehow it will always follow me home. D came home and said that our youth pastor's dog shiloh had given birth to puppies and one was left would I go see it.

I was taken aback and said ... "but I thought I wasn't allowed to pet... smell... think... look... or even be in the same vicinity as a puppy"

He just said " yeah you should go look"

I went by after work.. and was actually very unimpressed they had given him some smurf name and he wouldn't come to it. He was not interested in me at all. But, I decided to take him home to see if he got along with the other dogs. (I was hoping not)
BUT NO ... homey gets the house and acts like he lived there since forever. The other dogs were like cool... he rocks ...

I was UPSET.

We were keepin this dog who didn't even come near me.
We started running names by him to see if he would come to one of them. He chose samson and it stuck ... His papers say "Mighty Judge Samson" (samson from the book of judges... mighty for his strength) We planned on getting him a delilah and breeding them .

Then something changed and Samson became my dog. D called him my boyfriend because everytime D would leave the bed, Samson was there spooning with me. They were quite jealous of each other. Then Samson started thinking that he owned me and started peeing on my clothes.... he got fixed the next week so ... no little samsons .. and no delilah...

But he is more faithful than a husband....

Mollie ... she is pretty simple... she is also the BOSS of everybody. Some cool things about her ... she is 3 yrs old .. but I still call her a puppy She was born 3-4-05 which is the coolest birthday EVER.
She is smart and funny. She says "momma" (ask some of my friends they have heard it! She hates her paws being messed with. She also doesn't allow me to pet samson on the floor. she tells him to "go lay down"
This is the best right here. Mollie surrounded by toys on a big fluffy bed.... yessireee this is the life. .
I like when she lays across my legs. or snuggles into my back. It is hard to feel completely alone when she is a constant companion...

Lets take a look at the toys ... there is:

 1. Horton (yes as in hears a who)
2. a stuffingless duck
3. A one eared dog
4. A wooly bear
5. And our favorite Yurdle Turtle


Feeling exposed. With all I have been sharing lately. Sometimes it is hard.. letting down walls and sharing the things that are closest to your heart.

Or.. the most painful.

I find that I am overwhelmed my my circumstances.. and underwhelmed by my life. It continues to surprise me that I keep getting back up ... getting out of bed... one foot after another... day after day. Especially when I feel like hiding in the darkness of a closet... where I am protected and hidden from the truths of my life.

I was listening to a song today and had this ... moment.
The words say " Your love makes me forget who I have been... Your love makes me remember who I really am."

It also says " You are a God who has everything... but you still want me..."

I struggle with the duality of my life. The neat little compartments that I file myself in. Work me. Play me. Serious me. Funny me. Spirtual me. Divorced me. Unwanted me. All of it. I lift them to the scales and try to balance them as tho I can juggle and keep things going ... But I know that it is a matter of time before I drop one or throw one.
I have this whole love/hate realtionship with myself going on.

For awhile I let myself get caught up in the "online me" . Letting my self worth be justified by comments I would receive... or the ammount of hits each day. But then things kind of changed and I have made valuable friendships. Ones that are priceless and dear.

I find it funny, that as a woman who was very involved in my churches praise team.. youth ministry.. women's ministry... not one person from my ex church has called to check on me, to see how I am, to see if I need anything. A church I attended for over 15 years. When I have blogged since only 2005 here and there are people who stop by daily/weekly etc .. I receive encouragment... support and some amazing emotional support. All from people who know just the internet me. I have not once had to ask for your friendships but you have given them to me unconditionally and freely. I am very fortunate and blessed. You have each made an impact on my life that you could probably never understand . And I... WE (samson Mollie and me ) thank you .

I pray that you see growth in me ... not just the sad me.. or the happy me ... the funny me... but a whole me.
It is a tremendous ride... this life. I am not certain how the strength keeps appearing... but I am grateful. Because even in the tough times... it is the most exciting and beautiful journey ever. Stick with me there is lots more to see...